Welcome to Sifted~After Dark~. It’s just like the usual Sifted you know and love, but a little less PG, a lot more foul-mouthed, and in a ‘going out top’ and sensible heel. Expect XXX-rated food pics, risqué ‘So You’ guides, and so much more. In honor of this weekend’s festivities, we’re presenting you with the first edition of Sifted ~After Dark~. Eat it up.
APÉRITIF:
So you hate Valentine’s Day? It’s a silly, capitalist, exclusionary holiday, huh? Roses die fast, hearts are made to be broken, and chocolate from CVS is actively bad. Yes, those assorted Russell Stover truffles are undeniably terrible (despite Mr. Stover being “an American chemist”...?) but nevertheless, we’re lovers 😉 of this decadent and sappy and sexy holiday. We’ll seize any opportunity to send sweet gifts to even sweeter friends, splurge on that cheese nobody will shut up about, and let someone (sister, dad, boyfriend, grandma, truly anyone) buy us an expensive, satin, heart-shaped box of chocolates we can sample all night long. We’re masters of making hot, exciting, luxurious meals that won’t leave you too full to participate in whatever else you have planned that night. We also respect that Valentine’s Day isn’t everyone’s thing, and if there’s anything that rivals biting into caramel-filled chocolates on someone else’s dime, it’s cooking for yourself with no rules, no judgement, and no one around to say “but we had pasta last night” or “that’s enough anchovies.” No, it’s not enough anchovies, and that’s why in addition to our romantic, you-can-still-get-laid-after-eating-these recipe roundup, we’ve also pulled together our favorite, garlic-heavy, single-serving, borderline sickeningly-creamy things to cook on our own. Call us Cupid!
ON THE MENU TONIGHT:
SO YOU HATE VALENTINE’S DAY?
Creamy Leek Pasta: Not having to share your bed with someone else is powerful. You can eat whenever you’d like (right before going to sleep), wherever you’d like (in bed!), and whatever you’d like (enough garlic to make you smell like it for days, soft cheese that your lactose intolerant stomach simply cannot tolerate). This leek pastadoesn’t get its silky texture from cheese, butter, or any dairy at all, but the sheer amount of alliums required qualifies it for a solo dinner. Thinly slicing and frying the leeks will provide you with the same brain-massaging qualities that an hour of asking your therapist if she thinks you’re crazy does. “No, but let’s dig deeper into why you ask that”, she says. These sweet, creamy, fried leek-covered noodles are much easier to dig into, and knowing I can do so whenever and wherever I want is what helps me sleep (alone) at night.
Carbonara for One: You gotta love the carbonara scene from Nora Ephron’s Heartburn. On first glance, it looks like pure romance: Nora Ephron, naked Jack Nicholson, post-coital pasta. But if you know the ending of this movie, you’ll understand when I say this carbonara encompasses all that is Anti-Valentine’s Day. Miss Alison shared an ode to this scene a few weeks back on her newsletter with an aptly named Carbonara for One. It’s a beautiful, faithful rendition, but prior to hers, this was my go-to recipe (halved). In my carbonara there is no cream, there is no rigatoni, and there are certainly no peas (@ Mr. Ramsay’s troubling version.) It’s pancetta or guanciale, it’s egg, it’s parm or pecorino (or both), and it’s spaghetti, period. It’s my carbonara and I want it now!
Preferred serving method is still straight from a big bowl, in bed, in a robe.
A Single Molten Lava Cake: However many things you hate about Valentine’s Day is how many things I love about this tiny chocolate cake. A spoonful of tahini (chaotic good) or peanut butter (lawful good) is so special, and coating the ramekin with a thick layer of softened butter and powdery, bitter cocoa powder helps the warm cake slip out successfully. It also gives the cake a crispy, intense shell, which reminds me of the lava crunch cakes from Domino’s, which were seemingly every cool girl in high school’s favorite dessert. Those mediocre cakes stayed a symbol of unattainable popularity until I 1. discovered they were disgusting and 2. realized no one was ever eating them with ice cream. If I saw those girls now, I’d tell them what I’m about to tell you—hot lava cakes simply must be served with cold scoops of ice cream. I prefer a flavor more interesting than vanilla, like salted caramel, real but still green mint chip, or very strong coffee, and use the ~8 minutes this cake takes to bake to decide.
Triggering image.
Teeny Tiny Strawberry Shortcake: When it comes to cooking for one, Klancy Miller literally wrote the book on it. While I love her general philosophy on food (#CookYourself AGiantSteak2021), this little cake feels celebratory in a pure self-love kind of way. A tiny, perfectly-composed mini Strawberry Shortcake that’s as fun to make as it is to eat. Go ahead, treat yourself to the $5.99 pint of raspberries from the bodega! Or use frozen and make a quick compote by heating with a pinch of sugar and a little lemon zest for oomph. It’s best paired with a ‘personal-size’ champagne, which is just to say a full-size Prosecco drank straight from the bottle.
SO YOU WANNA GET LAID?
Come Fuck Me Penne: I remember being intrigued when I heard about this penne recipe a few years back (when Refinery29 was cutting edge journalism). It purported to be the dish to get you laid. The food version of a made-for-TV guarantee. “Will get you laid or your money back!!!” But make no mistake, Come Fuck Me Penne is basically just really well-marketed penne alla vodka. In 2021, spicy, creamy pasta alla vodka is a dish as ubiquitous as guys holding a capital ‘b’ Big fish in their Hinge profiles, but we actually like that this recipe is lighter than others (for obvious reasons). It uses half-and-half instead of standard heavy cream, and just half a cup of it. Just don’t forget that rigatoni reigns supreme. In fact, Come Fuck Me Rigatoni has an even better ring to it...
Grease cam or soft-core lighting? You be the judge.
Engagement Chicken: The infamous chicken that landed Miss Markle the leading role in an IRL Lifetime movie. Whether you’re looking to get a ring on your finger or just a lil ~Barefoot Contessa and chill~ this chicken is goddamn delicious. And it’s really, truly simple. Roasted chicken with a light white-wine pan sauce made with the schmaltzy drippings and fat-roasted sweet onions. It’s warm and comforting, but not so rich that you’ll be holding back farts on the couch while you pretend to focus on Malcolm & Marie. Cooking this dish is the equivalent to secretly putting your S.O. + your faces into one of those digital “What will your baby look like?” generators. Make it, and you’re in it for the long haul. Or at the very least a long night.
Crème Brûlée: I had a dear friend reach out to me about a new bae that she wanted to impress with an early V Day surprise. New Boo loves crème brûlée and she was determined to make it for him for the occasion, to *seal the deal*. Needless to say, she made this recipe, and the deal was indeed sealed. How could you resist? It’s not as slutty as the molten lava cake with its extravagant oozing, but a little more coquettish and coy. Silky, creamy custard hiding behind that sexy caramelized sugar top that’s just begging to be shattered. If you don’t have a torch or a good broiler, take this tip from my friend: “I heated a spoon over my gas burner for 1 min and then touched it over the layer of sugar until it caramelized, and then repeated this with another layer of sugar.” She had great success in both the kitchen and the boudoir, so heed her call and brulée for bae.
Another more subtle option to drop a hint.
TAKEOUT:
I believe the sixth love language is charcuterie. I’ve been eyeing this meat bouquet for years now, hoping but also dreading that a Valentine would send it my way. In real life, I think it’s too much salami and would rather make or receive an absolutely gorgina charcuterie board. Way back when I worked on the production team for a cooking show, I once pitched the following horrifying concepts: “Meat Bow” (for a caprese salad wreath of course) and “Prosciutto Roses”. In the end I actually got the latter on air! Meat bow or not, I highly encourage you to chef up a little charcuterie board of your own, for yourself, for your friends, or for your lover(s). Just make sure they’re in your pod, because as we used to say on the cooking show after food-styling intricate boards under hot lights (read: man-handling sweaty meat), the secret ingredient to charcuterie boards is lots of love and a little DNA ❤️
My favorite color roses: meat.
My dream Valentine’s Day date involves using tiny spoons to scoop smooth, creamy pudding out of fluted glasses and into “pudding aficionado” John Cassavetes’ mouth. Cassavetes, like me, calls people who don’t like pudding “losers” in this bizarre clipping presented by the “National Academy of Puddingtending” in World Parfait News.
