On the Back Burner #4
Britney, brownies, box mixes
APÉRITIF:
"Sneezing and chocolate both have orgasmic feelings to them"
- Britney Spears, 2007
I always secretly envied Augustus Gloop for falling into the chocolate river in Willy Wonka’s factory. To me, the idea of being submerged in a body of warm chocolate is at the top of my food-related fantasies, just behind diving into a pool of jello.
And we’re not the only ones with cacao on the brain. If you’re a Great British Baking Show mega-fan like me (real stans know it as GBBO), you’ll know this week’s theme was chocolate, and the contestants’ first challenge was to make brownies. Just eighteen brownies. That’s it. And not one person succeeded in earnest. That got me thinking, how hard can brownies be?
The answer is very hard. Making brownies is incredibly stressful. Who is eating them? What are they eating them with, and will ice cream be involved? Will they be eaten room temp. or warm? Do these people like chewy brownies or fudgy ones? If they prefer cakey ones, they’re out of luck, because you will never see a pan of dry and springy brownies in our ovens. But despite our many strong opinions, we’ll offer you a few recipes to cover any and all brownie-related needs.
ON THE BACK BURNER THIS WEEKEND:
Cakey brownies: If cakey brownies are your thing (weird flex but ok,) Alton Brown’s cocoa brownies are right up your alley. They utilize all cocoa powder for a cakier texture and pure chocolatey flavor. Or, you could also just accept yourself for the brownie-hater you are, and make a chocolate cake! But we’ll be sharing more opinions on cake soon so stay tuned…
Chewy brownies: As far as brownies go, I (Court) want one that’s chewy, not too dense in the middle, and has the kind of cohesive, sticky crumb that you can break off bit by bit. I’m also a corner person (sue me!) so my ideal brownie is this recipe baked in this pan. Supreme Queen Martha Stewart claims that oil is what makes a brownie chewy in texture, but I prefer the flavor of butter so I’ll use an all-butter recipe and sub one or two tablespoons for a neutral oil. The Queen also claims that, "briskly whisking the eggs into the batter creates a shiny, crackled top crust”, so I am sure to whisk whisk whisk for that picture-perfect shatter-y crust. I’m also known to top them with sprinkles for a perfectly Cosmic finish.
Fudgy brownies: Hello, it’s me (Gab), here to comfort those of you who love the kind of brownies Courtney hates; under-baked, dense middle pieces, made with so much chocolate that just one square gives you a headache. My favorite recipe is BraveTart’s, which has you brown butter, whisk eggs and sugar together for at least 8 minutes, and use Dutch cocoa. You call it tedious, I call it ~technical~. When I’m in a rush, in a place without a stand mixer, or don’t have bags and bars of great-quality chocolate on hand, I like this recipe that uses just cocoa powder in the batter (I still use Dutch, not natural). I like to brown the butter, add an ice cube, keep it on the heat and whisk in the sugar until it starts to dissolve a bit. Then I go on with the recipe as written. Both recipes give you hefty pans of intense, complex, buttery brownies that could easily be mistaken for a slice of fudge.
Exactly how I like my brownies.
The BEST Brownies: Ghirardelli box mix. Yup, we said it. As far as effort-reward ratios go, you simply can’t beat this box. Real heads know that Costco sells them in 6-packs in case of emergency, apocalypse, etc. The added chocolate chips are crucial; pebbles of crunchy texture inside and pools of melted goodness on top. I also love the decadence of the Chocolate Supreme variety, which comes with a devilishly indulgent packet of chocolate syrup for swirling in. Betty Crocker wishes.
My great-great grandmother’s name was actually Ghirardélli Suprême.
TAKEOUT:
A quick vanilla-focused piece of intel: This McBroken map will tell you whether or not a McDonalds’ soft serve machine is working, which is incredibly important because we all know the best order at that establishment is a vanilla cone and french fries (for dipping).
A car cone.
Looks like we’re not the only ones with chocolate. Noah Centino’s very real and very confusing 501(c)(3) charity partnered with Tony’s Chocolonely on limited edition chocolate bars to get the word out on voting. They’re sold out (for now), but we felt the need to share anyway because duh.
We want to know your very subjective brownie opinions! Comment your favorite kind of brownie below. Are you Team Fudgy with Gab, Team Chewy with Court, or Team Cakey with absolutely no one else? Let us know!
Also, Sifted is officially on Instagram!!!!!!!!!!! If you like unflattering photos of celebs eating, recipe tips, success stories, and more, give us a follow and start tagging us in your Sifted-inspired kitchen adventures. We promise to give you more of what you know and love.